


The First and Last Look

by orphan_account



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-20
Updated: 2013-06-20
Packaged: 2017-12-15 14:20:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,037
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/850551
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Even if Gavin could only grant him that loving look on the night he gave up, it was enough."</p>
            </blockquote>





	The First and Last Look

He should have known, it was as simple as that. It plagued him so many hours into the night and took up so many minutes of the day. It was his own stupidity and ignorance that had led him here. He felt almost no right to complain or cry or scream about what had happened, because he really should have known.

Gavin never loved him.

No matter how many times he had told him, drunken and slurring but looking so sincere, it couldn’t have been true. Gavin never loved him in those rare moments where his eyes would shine with such passion and adoration that it was hard not to believe him. He didn’t even love him when he lay content in Michael’s arms, murmuring those over-used words against the skin of his neck. No matter how many times Gavin had told Michael he loved him, it had never been true.

As Michael prepared to go out, with a girl he didn’t love and never would but had been with for nearly a year now, he wished Gavin had at least loved him once before. Just to feel as though all of his own devotion had been returned, just once. Even if those three words had been filled with truth for that one vital moment, it would make the pain he felt now seem at least justified. All he had received was a half-hearted explanation before Gavin cut things off all together.

   “I’m sorry, Michael. I didn’t mean to lead you on so much.”

Michael had never felt so hollow once those words had fallen against the silence of his bedroom. Gavin had dressed without any other explanation, and he vacantly heard his front door open and shut in the middle of the night. The sound seem to echo as he lay there, holding back hot, angry tears and failing as they soaked his cheeks in smooth trails. Gavin would go on to never visit his apartment again. And Michael would miss that laughter that used to fill his home every night.

Michael only realized in the painful haze of the morning after, that every piece of clothing Gavin had ever not-so-accidentally left there from previous visits had been taken. It never felt the same after that, even when Gavin’s clothes were replaced by some one else’s. It just wasn’t him.

Michael had thought of a thousand different scenarios that would have been better than this one. He wished he’d have never let Gavin kiss him that Thursday after work, recovering from laughter and holding a comfortable that gaze Gavin never broke off. He wished he’d have avoided repeating the same actions just the day after, out of pure frustration and the hope it just wasn't a joke.

Everything seemed to both fill him up with pure affection, and yet as the weeks went on, come to such a sudden downward spiral. Whether it was refusing to return his actions in public or just keeping everything a secret, it was flirting when he thought Michael wasn’t looking and disappearing the occasional night when he was meant to be with _him_.

In the end, everything boiled down to one painful truth. That Gavin would never really belong to him, even if he belonged to Gavin.

What hurt was that lurching pain when he saw Gavin happy after _them_. The ache that settled over his chest and gripped him so tight, every damn time. Seeing the man he loved so content and infatuated with another person whilst he was in the background, broken and forever pleading for Gavin to just show _some_ regret of moving on. Michael couldn’t have thought of anything worse, as tangible the situation had eventually become.

But what ultimately destroyed it all, was that he still let Gavin in now and then. Sometimes, when it was late and no one was left at work, Gavin would find him. He’d coax him in with those misleading green eyes and those persistent hands across his neck and those beautiful but disgusting three words as his lips pressed against his own, soft and perfect, and Michael would almost _always_ believe him.

He let time almost replicate itself perfectly, the exact actions that had led him to this situation before. Except this time, Michael wasn’t in a sugar-coated haze. He wanted it to be how it was before, just to feel that hope and often that ignorance that helped him believe Gavin felt the same when their lips met or when their skin touched. So damn _much_.

And yet, there was one final time he didn’t let himself fall into Gavin’s lies.

That should have been the end, the final sever to this tie they’d created however bitter-sweet it was, or had been. But there was something about Gavin’s expression that night. Those bright eyes and those gentle touches before Michael walked away that caused an almost overwhelming sense of grief to fill him back up. A feeling that never left either of them, however distant they became.

   “I’m sorry, Gavin. I can’t do this.”

His expression slipped from any trace of amusement with that endearing grin, to a sickening mix of confusion and horror. It made him look so young and innocent, but he knew better than that. Michael could have sworn he felt Gavin’s pulse race as his hands moved to grasp his wrists. Yet his head wouldn’t let him do this anymore, and he pulled away from Gavin’s clutches without hesitation and left him in more ways than one.

The last he thing he saw of Gavin the final night that ended what was _them_ , were Gavin’s eyes. That look alone would haunt him for years to come. It found its way into his dreams, into any bit of silence that found him out. It haunted him on his wedding day, to a woman he loved but someone who would just never be Gavin, and until his very end.

Because every time he caught his own reflection, that pleading and longing look his eyes still held for Gavin, had been held for himself. Just that once.

And even if Gavin could only grant him that loving look on the night he gave up, it was enough.

**Author's Note:**

> If you would like to reblog or like this fic on tumblr:
> 
> http://teaandotherstuff.tumblr.com/post/42870160954/the-first-and-last-look


End file.
